Month #9: Breakthrough

              A few weeks ago, while playing a boardgame with my co-workers, everyone was laughing and having a great time, but no one could ever guess the war that was waging in my mind at the moment. I too had a smile, but it contradicted what was going on internally.

              “Jesus help me.” I kept reciting in my head. The familiar battle of my thoughts was raging, and it was unrelenting. I felt defeated, annoyed, and felt like a slave to these thoughts of confusion that bombarded my mind as they stayed persistent in clouding my mind like pestering mosquitos in the summertime.

              I began to think if I would ever get over these thoughts that I came so frequently. I needed direction and clarity from the Lord regarding my situation.

A few days later, I started a fast- one that I had never done before. I felt it was time to get more serious in seeking God about what He’s up to and what He’s been speaking. So, I began my journey.  

              The first few days, I felt things were still the same. I didn’t feel a dramatic breakthrough in my mind or direction in life and was beginning to wonder if my efforts to seek God were in vain. I was reading the Word, praying, setting apart intentional time to listen and seek God, but it felt like I was just on a diet.

              Towards the first half of the fast, I was praying to God one night how He could ever free me from these circling thoughts of confusion as I thought what I was dealing with was so complex that even I didn’t know how to practically advance forward. However, during my devotional time that evening I somehow came across the scripture of Ecclesiastes 5:20 (NKJV), which says, “For [she] will not dwell unduly on the days of [her] life, because God keeps [her] busy with the joy of [her] heart.”

              When I read this scripture, it was one of those moments that I couldn’t believe this scripture was in the Word because I felt it was so specific to my situation. Upon reading this scripture, it gave me hope. God had showed me that instead of dwelling on my situation, to be busy with the joy that comes from being about God’s business.

              A few days later, I went to an outreach at my church, which I was contemplating if should go or not. I shared with my sister over the phone that I didn’t feel like going, but she shared, “usually when you don’t feel like going, that’s when you need to go.” So, I figured she was right, and I went. During the outreach, I felt such a satisfaction doing outreach and meeting new people that I clicked with right away. Thankfully I went to outreach that day. Through that “yes” to outreach, I received some clarity from the Lord and met some church friends that I’ve grown in community with who have helped me make my church feel like home.

              Once the fast was finished, I felt such a freedom in my mind, and I felt as if God lifted my eyes higher than what was before me. In this process of feeling like seeking the Lord was in vain and then actually feeling a breakthrough, it encouraged me that something always has to happen when we seek the Lord. He responds to our desperation for Him and is faithful to show up- not always how we expect, but in the way we need. This process of fasting revealed to me that nothing is too complex for God. Even when we don’t understand ourselves, He gets us and knows how to intervene on our behalf. And I’m grateful for that.

Here's a song that goes perfect with this: https://youtu.be/PeetP2kout0

-Brittany Prada

Detour to Destiny

            It’s March 12, 2022, and I am here sitting at my desk in my Los Angeles duplex. As I type I hear the usual neighborhood rooster crow at noon, the neighbors playing their music here and there, and I hear other birds chirping. This day (March 12^th) is special. And it’s been a special day for the past 5 years.

            March 12, 2017, was such a life changing day. It was the day I saw a very small glimpse of this California story God was unfolding as it was finally my chance of showing up to the airport with my very own suitcase (which I got from the thrift store the night before) and the opportunity to pass through TSA to actually go somewhere, rather than always being the one to stand back and wave others “bye” as they went on their journeys. This day, in 2017, I felt like something was unlocked. My mind was open to something I had never experienced before. It was my first time flying on a plane and first-time seeing mountains, which was something I literally would dream about. Although I knew with everything in me that California was God’s promise to me, the first-time stepping foot on the West Coast, I would have never imagined it would all unfold the way it did. That weekend of visiting California for the purpose of visiting Pepperdine University, my dream school at the time, I knew God would have me return to California. I knew it without a doubt. Of course, with my little human mind, I thought, “duh, I’m going to be returning here to go to college,” thinking it would be a sweet story of how hard work in high school pays off and trusting in God and doing all the right things will get you exactly what you want. Simple. Hard work+ faithfulness= a guarantee all your dreams come true. I thought it worked that way with God. But boy was my logic shaken after that weekend.

            After one of the most eye opening three days of my life in California, I returned home to Texas. The following day of that trip, I woke up with anticipation. Would I be getting the congratulatory email from Pepperdine, serving as my ticket to live out this California dream? I thought so… especially with how God was in the details of the whole trip and provided the whole way through. That evening I received the long-waited email from Pepperdine, titled “admittance status”. My stomach sank at this subject title. This was the moment I fought so hard to come to. I paused and whispered a quick prayer “not my will, but your will be done” to the Lord on my knees. Then, upon opening it, I read the first two words, “Thank you…”

            I stood there in my bedroom frozen and in distress…

            “Thank you?” I thought to myself.

            I knew what those words meant and didn’t need to read anymore of the message. That was the first thank you that ever stung. I knew that every rejection letter always begins with a “thank you” and letters of celebratory acceptance begin with “congratulations” followed with an exclamation mark to emphasize the good news. I needed to read no more of that letter. My two year journey of pressing toward this Pepperdine journey had come to an abrupt dead end in my eyes.

            The God who opened every defying door standing in my way over the past two years miraculously provided only to lead me to the final destination- defeat.

            In great disappointment, many questions swirled rampant in my mind and the only conclusion I could make was, “God, you’re a liar.” I felt like I had been led on by a lover that had gained my trust over time only to say that all the words, or in my case… “dreams and provision,” never really meant anything special. They were just empty, worthless moments that I had attached too much significance to.

            That evening I cried and cried and cried. It was one of those moments that I couldn’t adequately express my feelings with words, but only with tears full of emotion. The following morning the reality of what this meant to me showed as I woke up with swollen eyes. What I was feeling on the inside had become apparent.  The hurt that I felt was not so much the stab of rejection from a dream school, but rather it was the disappointment that came from a feeling of rejection from God. I felt like I had been lied to by the one who claimed to be “constant and faithful.”

            However, through a season of reflection and disappointment, and eventually accepting my enrollment in Oral Roberts University (ORU), the school I originally dreaded, I began to rest in the fact that in life I will not always understand the ways of the Lord, but the one thing I can understand is that He promises to turn things around for the good (Romans 8:28).

            Now having gone through my four years at ORU, and currently living out this call God has put on my life for such a time as this, I reflect and have a heart of thanks for the disappointment five years ago. During that time, it made no sense to me why God would create such a major detour in my life, but now I realize the purpose behind it.

            The disappointment and anger I felt towards God made me get real and raw with Him in a way I never had before. In my time of having a broken heart, I didn’t have the strength to think like a perfect Christian right away and accept that God had “better things.” I was angry and could only come before God with my real self and real questions of “why, God?” “How could you lie to me and let me down?” “Did you think I was not good enough?”

            And now as I sit here in Los Angeles with this dream as a reality, I realize being here later than when I originally expected, God equipped me to be more effective for His kingdom than I would have been years ago. The detour and the journey leading up to now I’ve learned what it is to have hope and to be led by the Spirit of God. Had I not been given a sudden detour, I would have never learned what it is to have Jesus as my hope and to come before Jesus just as I am, which has been a major game changer. I believe many people of Los Angeles are in need of hope and the love of God which I am thankful to have learned through my process and can now share with others.

            What ever you may be facing and whatever may not make sense, trust that God has a plan. A closed door may not stay closed forever. In the meantime, talk with God telling him exactly how you feel because He cares. “You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.” – John 13:7

All the best,

-Brittany Prada